GRATITUDE

I grew up celebrating Thanksgiving Day -- a cornucopia overflowing with autumnal harvest as its symbol.

 

 

We would give thanks for our bountiful table, as the Pilgrims at Plymouth I 1621 gave thanks to the Native Americans for their first abundant harvest.

Although little more than a commemoration of an historical event, the Day was not really an exercise in gratitude for me. This came years later with the acquisition of Simple Abundance A Daybook of Comfort and Joy.

After one of our global moves, some two decades ago, a culture shock in teaching awaited me and as a mother of two young girls, I put myself last in the line of caring. As you do. I needed to nurture myself and did so by starting firstly, a Gratitude Journal.

Nightly, I wrote 5 things for which I was grateful. Every new day, I was alert with awareness welcoming in anything and everything, no matter how mundane, that gave me pause or an "awe" moment. Not always did I recapture at bedtime the top 5 moments. Some days I was hard pressed to find even one. But it was enough to live each day being hopeful.

The second journal I commenced then was an Illustrated Discovery one. It was my scrapbook before scrapbooking became a new thing to do, of all things beautiful that touched my soul. In it I pasted images, scenes, quotations -- so when I flipped through its beauty laden pages it was like "hyacinths for the soul."

Some two decades later, I find myself on another healing journey, this time from anxiety. I still have my Illustrated Discovery Journal to gaze through all the beauty I recorded so long ago. Yet, now, it is the daily Gratitude that speaks more to my soul. I awake every new morning reciting mentally a list of things for which I am thankful. This list started off as meagre and almost forced, until today the thankfulness just flows. I take nothing for granted. I stop to smell the roses, or more the eucalypts here in Oz. I breathe in the fresh air of the bush. Listen to the varied songs of the birds. Gaze out at the vastness of water that surrounds me or the night time sky. Sit quietly with our cat snuggled on my lap. Smile. Greet my neighbour. Invite silence and being.

I end the day similarly by listing the things great and small for which I am grateful.

Gratitude is everywhere now. I happen upon articles on gratitude.
I attract books on gratitude. Rhonda Byrne suggests to "use gratitude until it becomes your way of life."
Gratitude is there in my daily meditation practice.
The Universe is forever sending me reminders to be grateful. I oblige.

It is this simple exercise that almost exclusively got me out of my fatalistic thinking with which anxiety plagued me this year.

Gratitude.
Happy Thanksgiving Day.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEALING 2

The words often attributed to Buddha, but quoted as a Chinese and Zen Proverb as well. How true the words echo.

It wasn't until some six months later that my anxiety diminished and things just fell into place. Once my physical symptoms of depression were addressed, once sleep became regulated, once I could concentrate, once I started exercise, once I included acupuncture into my healing regime, once I made meditation, gratitude and affirmations a daily habit, once I introduced calming foods into my diet, once I was able to control my catastrophic thinking -- only then, was I able to apply anxiety management techniques. Only then, was I able to learn from my reading. Only then, was I able to control my anxiety.

The lesson for me was no matter how desperately I wanted to rid myself of this anxiety, I could not just will it away. And until my mind was ready, until the student was ready, I could not proceed with the next step, no teacher presented itself. No matter the good intention of anxiety programs like I mentioned in my last blog the Cool, Calm and Collected four week program, until the mind is ready, no amount of reading, wanting, daily lessons, and listening could penetrate the barriers put up because of my anxiety.

I am a firm believer now, that you just have to go through the anxiety. I hate to have to admit this since if I had read this during my searching, in the midst of my intense anxiety, I would have screamed and been acutely frustrated. So frustrated that there was nothing immediate that I could implement to rid me of the anxiety for good. Yes I came across sites that offered immediate relief for the anxiety symptoms. Sites such as Inner Health Studio gave advice, Psychology Today presented quick tips and the Calm Clinic presented guidance. And thank you for these and others. They were my saviour. All these helped me survive the intensity. My healing journey comprised surviving each minute, never mind anything more long-term.

For me the saying was aptly put: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

To this day I still use the concepts I learned from the anxiety cure: Cool, Calm and Collected.  Not then, but six months later. My anxiety exited my life almost as insidiously as it entered it. For the most part. I still have the occasional day when the anxiety deigns to visit me and check in with me as if to challenge my learning strategies. This I can handle. But I no longer suffer 24/7. Thank you, my God.

Healing.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

HEALING 1

My healing from anxiety took many forms.

At my lowest I tried anything. Everything. That is, whatever I was ready for at each given moment.

At first, I was surfing the Internet to find calming foods. There had to be foods that would give an instant feeling of calm? Right? After all there are foods that exacerbate the problem. Like coffee (or other forms of caffeine) which agitated me more than I was already. As much as I dislike Chamomile tea, every site spoke of its calming benefits. That became my drink of choice. The more anxious I was, the more Chamomile I downed.

Well it was during this researching that I came upon the site Calm Clinic. Reading what they had to say about diet, I was captured by and tempted by the blue print: "Take our 7 minute anxiety quiz." I was desperate. I needed a quick fix now! I wanted my anxiety to be over like yesterday. I no longer wanted neither the butterflies nor the panic attacks. I would have made a willing guinea pig for any sale's pitch, any experiment. So, yup! I caved. I clicked the blue print and did the test scoring a significantly high anxiety level. No surprise there. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I signed up for (and paid for it too!) a 4 week program: New Life With Cool, Calm and Collected.

The promise: you will be fully recovered if you ENGAGE in the program, TAKE the methods, DO the exercises, USE what you're going to learn. If you do all this, and I am always an eager student, "your panic attacks will VANISH, your anxiety and worry STOP and your confidence and self-esteem SOAR."

 I was sold! How could I not be pleased that this program would do this for me.

After 4 weeks nothing sunk in. Nothing. My mind was not ready, nor did it know how to register what I was learning. Actually, I was not learning. I simply listened, read and wrote. I wondered why following the program in its entirety, nothing changed. My anxiety still plagued me. Even more so. I kept resisting and the more I resisted, the deeper my anxiety went.

The caveat to this program, for me at any rate: you have to be ready. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Intellectually. Clearly nothing was working because NOTHING was working.

Healing.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

WORDS I SAY

The principle of "neurons that fire together wire together" proposed by Freud, Hebb and Shatz has been the revolutionary brain science of the twentieth century. Also, the main teaching of my psychologist who was helping me overcome anxiety.

Being set some homework in between sessions about my especially anxious moments, I was to fill out a chart about what happened and the story I told myself. Upon retelling one scenario, I used the words: "I forced myself to go!" Said almost angrily. She picked up on this. Thus ensued my new lesson: when we pair a negative thought (in this case, word) with a highly charged negative emotion we make a neural pathway. What fires together, wires together.

Yes I just finished reading about this in The Brain That Changes Itself, but I could not connect the dots. I understood the concept with respect to science but clearly not when applied to my own life.

Now, I am more mindful of not only my thoughts but the words I say so emotively in my narratives and conversations. The words are more difficult as most of the time, I swear I speak as on automatic pilot. To fill the silence. Perchance why my daily affirmations have not been as effective as they could be?? I have enlisted the help of my husband to say something to me when I am pairing two negatives, as I am obviously unaware of doing so. The aim is to pair a positive thought or a positive word with a positive emotion. My affirmations now are accompanied by a smile.

The words I say.

"Man's word is his wand filled with magic and power." As penned by Florence Scovel Shinn.

The words I say.

"The words you speak become the house you live in." Hafiz

The words I say.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

THOUGHTS I THINK

As my brain broke out of the worry loop of anxiety, I engaged in much reading. The common theme of all the books happened to be: the thoughts we think.

When I paused to examine my conscience (sounds like being in a confessional), my thoughts were negative. You can refer to my Blog on Negativity.  Unlike Rodin's The Thinker  who is poised in philosophical thought,

 

I was unbalanced in my thinking. Not only were my thoughts negative, they were defeatist. My thoughts were berating. My thoughts were sombre.

In Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, she writes "...as you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you."


Florence Scovel Shinn in The Game Of Life says that this said game "is a game of boomerangs. Man's thoughts, deeds and words return to him sooner or later, with astounding accuracy."

"Your mind is a tool you can choose to use any way you wish." Louise Hay shared this in her book You Can Heal Your Life.

I gleaned so many such golden nuggets. It wasn't until I recently read Evolve Your Brain and the science behind our thoughts, that I took mindful notice of how thoughts create who we are. Dr. Dispenza writes:

"Whether we like it or not, once a thought happens in the brain...All of the bodily reactions that occur from both our intentional or unintentional thinking unfold behind the scenes of our awareness."

GASP!

A couple of pages later he dropped this loaded statement: "What we repeatedly think about and where we focus our attention is what we neurologically become."

I now understand why I could not break free of my anxiety. Or why the symptoms just would not lessen. I kept feeding my brain more of the same worrisome thoughts day after day. And day after day, my anxiety strengthened. True to what the brain does. Even though my anxiety is not fully gone, on occasion choosing to visit, I know better now. The thoughts I think become me. As James Allen in As a Man Thinketh eloquently states in Chapter Two: "The world is your kaleidoscope, and the varying combinations of colours, which at every succeeding moment it presents to you are exquisitely adjusted pictures of your ever-moving thoughts."

Thoughts I think. I am ever so mindful of them.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

MINDFULNESS

I touched upon the word "mindfulness" in my blog on Meditation. Here I will delve more deeply into what it is and how mindfulness has helped me with my anxiety.

Off and on in my life I dabbled with mindfulness, but never really applied it long-term. The picture of a Buddhist monk absorbed for hours on end in a serene composure of contemplative practice was what came to mind at the mention of mindfulness. When I was much younger than I am today, I used to interchange the words "mindfulness" and "meditation". I mean, after all, isn't this what I am trying to achieve during meditation practice - being mindful or aware of the something that I am doing?

True. But mindfulness is not linked only with meditation or monks. I became much more educated on what mindfulness is and the role it can play in my life once anxiety came to live with me. Strange, how one waits until one really needs help to introduce healing practices into our lives!

As you are aware from an earlier blog, one major symptom of anxiety is the inability to still the thoughts. At my worst, my thoughts were on a loop. Always fretful. Always worrying. And always negative. Going over and over and over in my mind. I would try anything to shut off this incessant prattle. Not only did I re-educate myself on meditation but on mindfulness as well. And this time I learned so much more throwing away my old beliefs of both.

Susan Baeur-Wu puts it simply -- mindfulness is "a way of being."

The Chinese character for the word "mindfulness" is made up of two parts: the upper part meaning "now; this"; the lower meaning "heart; mind."

Jon Kabat-Zinn comments that mindfulness is "coming to our senses."

Shauna Shapiro reiterates a monk's explanation to her, that "mindfulness is not just about paying attention, but also about how you pay attention."

Diana Winston of the UCLA Health System defines mindfulness as: "paying attention to present moment experiences with open curiosity and a willingness to be with what is."

Living life outside a cloister or monastery, all this shed some light on what I could do to be mindful. We have all experienced being out in nature and feeling in awe, totally calm and connected. This is mindfulness. We have all experienced being one with a hobby, activity, sport. This is mindfulness. But, I also learned to incorporate mindful awareness to daily life tasks that do not generally bring me to a moment of being absorbed with total quality. Still, it is not possible for me to be mindful about everything that I do, but daily I seize the moment and engage my senses in at least one activity, be it: walking or eating or showering or ironing or washing dishes. When I do this, I notice that I slow down and am really present appreciating everything and no longer viewing it as mundane or simply a chore to get it over with as quickly as is possible.

When I meditate, I keep endeavouring to be mindful. I welcome my thoughts, react compassionately and gently return to my meditation.

This practice over the last six weeks has stilled the chatter in my mind and when the monkeys come back on difficult days, I am able to manage them. It has been many weeks since I have been stuck in a loop. Being mindful has kept me in the present, escaping the past woes and the future concerns, both which are out of my control.

Mindfulness.

A stress-free place to be.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

"SHOULD"

 

Today I am wearing my English teacher's hat providing a brief lesson on "should", originating from the Old English word for "sceolde".

Not seeing anything wrong with my choice of this word, I have been an habitual user of the word "should." "Should" was part of my vocabulary. Until my psychologist, whom I was seeing for anxiety, recommended replacing it.

This got me delving into my grammar books again. Bear with me.

"Should" is the past tense of "shall."

"Should" is one of the modal verbs in the English language. Along with "must," "ought," "might," "could," "would" and others. Modal verbs indicate a modality, a specific mode: giving permission, having the ability to, suggesting an obligation.

"Should" and "ought" hint at a moral obligation, thereby expressing a right or a wrong to your choice/decision.

Yikes!

When I examined my use of "should" more closely, I could see how the latter was so:

I should do this. But what if I really don't want to?
I should do that.  Will this be the correct choice?
I shouldn't do this or that. Because Gee! I might be punished.


For me, clearly, "should" implies guilt. ASIDE: Growing up a Catholic, "Guilt" became my middle name.

It is a word that keeps me in limbo -- you know, that in-between space betwixt heaven and hell. Neither here nor there in a matter of choice, in a decision.

One simple statement along my healing journey, put the onus on my already fragile mind of making a commitment. For example: "I should change my thought patterns." This could imply that if I do change them, then I am doing something right. But, if I don't change them -- I am doing something wrong. It is a statement that teeters. Not one that is built on a solid foundation. I see that now.

In therapy, likewise in positive affirmations, using the present tense is more effective as is a strong, positive and affirming declaration. So, according to my psychologist, instead of saying "I should..." declare "I choose to..." Instead of "I shouldn't...." rather "I choose not to...." This way, I could see that I am not only in control, but I would avoid moralizing providing the subconscious mind with a more empowering and decisive statement.

Now I catch myself and pause when the word "should" escapes from my unthinking mind and I quickly replace it with this more guilt-free option. An option that gives me the power of being, doing and acting.

Should.

Do you?

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

DARK NIGHT

..."when the dark night of sorrow, pain or misfortune

settle down upon your soul...the dark shadow that covers you

is cast by none and nothing but yourself."

I am still coming to grips with what James Allen wrote at the turn of the 20th century and what some modern writers along the journey of discovery espouse. But, why would I do this to myself?

Depression has been described as many things, with some of its metaphors being: the dark night, a dark cloud, the black dog, a tunnel with no end in sight. All these suggest the colours of black, gray and blue. We even use "having the blues" when we are down.

Some adjectives associated with depression which I have come across in my readings are likewise bleak. Feeling miserable, dreadful, melancholic, empty, anti-social, hopeless, numb, worthless, lifeless, tearful, gloomy.

It is not a nice place to be.

During my year of loss, I suffered from major depression. I was as down as down could be. Adding to this, anxiety struck. I felt every one of the bleak feelings above. I lived a dark night for over a year.

 "Dark Night of the Soul" is a spiritual term for one's search for God, taken from a poem of the same title written by Saint John of the Cross, a mystic. As an aside, my favourite depiction of Jesus Christ is a painting by Salvador Dali "Christ of Saint John of the Cross."

"Dark Night" has been used as a metaphor for depression and the way I preferred to describe my own depression. My days were sunless even despite three significant events in my life during this time - our 30th wedding anniversary, my youngest daughter's wedding (at which my brother, whom I had not seen since our mother's funeral, attended) and my 60th birthday. Brooding was my daily demeanour. Tears were constant.

To hide my pain, I learned to put on a forced smile. As much as I avoided company outside my own family, I was put into trying situations where I had to be gracious. Gracious on the exterior; heart breaking within. I even took on the hunched posture of an old woman (as my husband braved to tell me a few weeks back. He prefaced this by saying that now I am walking tall once again. My psychologist at about the same time, commented during one session, on how relaxed I was beginning to look - the clenching of my jaw was released.) These comment stunned me, experiencing first-hand how a dis-ease in the mind could so visibly affect my body.

I am glad that I am no longer in that place - in that dark night. It was a long and arduous journey of therapy, medication, acupuncture, exercise, diet, sleep and mostly positive self-talk. I have been incorporating positive affirmations into my life daily now for seven months and I now understand James Allen's quotation a bit better. I still don't have an answer as to why I would have done this to myself. But, I am clear that I kept myself in my eternal dark night. I was imprisoned and choking myself by my own thoughts - berating, negative, worrisome and fearful thoughts. Morning. Noon. Night. In a loop. Every minute of the waking day. I needed to eradicate these weeds and sow the seeds of uplifting, positive, reassuring and courageous thoughts. Initially, I put these on a loop, just to keep the negative script at bay and to fill me up with thoughts that would allow me to breathe and see the light that life was not so debilitating.

I still work at this daily.

I do not want this dark night to consume me ever again.

I certainly do not want someone to say to me that my woes are "cast by none and nothing but yourself" either!

Begone,  Dark Night!

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

GRIEF

I lost my dearest mother, at a ripe old age of 90, last year right after New Year's Day. I received the dreaded phone call in Australia at 3:00 a.m. Mom had been in a home in Canada for just over 3 years. The decision for a home was heart wrenching but her carers often said that she needed care and watching over 24/7, plus eyes at the back of the head. Mom was a handful indeed. All the English she had learned while in the new country as a migrant, slipped away as the dementia took over. Thus, care in an Anglo-Saxon facility was most difficult with nobody speaking mom's native tongue. My brother visited daily, so Alleluia! there were moments of communication.

Mom's death hurt and still hurts as I no longer have a mother. The fact that the mother who brought my siblings and me into this world is now gone was and is quite overwhelming. An end of a generation.

Mom was steadfast in all areas of her life. Her loyalty and honesty, although brutal at times, were her strengths. Mom was a firm disciplinarian, a wonderful cook, a tireless housekeeper, a creative seamstress, an adept gardener, a devout Catholic. I knew all these facets of Mom and give credit to her for all that I am. I miss mom. I spare a thought and a prayer for all those who have lost their mothers at an early age...

May 1st during the early hours of the morning, our Maltese Lachy of 15 years 7 months of age died in his sleep. He had been ailing with the commencement of his seizures for about six months. Yet, he was still a happy dog bounding around and enjoying his "walkies!" During one of his last seizures, Lachy strained a muscle in his hind leg and started hobbling. The vet gave him some painkillers but after 2 weeks on these, Lachy refused to eat. A visit to the vet yielded bad news. We needed to have our dear Lachy put down the next day.

We gathered our daughters that evening so we could all spend our last precious moments with Lachy, cuddling and holding him in turn. It was time for Lachy to go. We could see how laboured his breathing was throughout the day. I believe that Lachy knew that he was surrounded by his loved ones and so chose, instead of a clinical death, to pass away gently during the night in the comfort of his own bed.

It has now been one year and three and a half months since Lachy has been out of our lives and he still brings a tear to my eyes. My first dog ever as a pet and prior to Lachy, if anybody would have ever told me how much a part of my life he would become, I would never have believed it. I do now know the impact a pet's pure loyalty can have on my life. The life of the rest of my family. The life of our cat, 18 years, who wandered the place looking for her pal until we moved this year...

Two weeks following Lachy's death, my father-in-law died suddenly, unexpectedly. At the age of 80, John was the happiest, funniest and fittest man I have known.

He had what he thought was the flu. When the aches did not go in two weeks, he was admitted to emergency. Here a battery of tests revealed an aggressive cancer in the liver. He was given 3-5 weeks to live. Within 5 days he was gone. John too went peacefully but his passing has left us all reeling.

John always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, the right energy to pass along to everyone. John didn't just save this side for his family. Shop keepers, neighbours and his employees of earlier years, all had the joy of knowing this John. A man whose sole purpose was to make others happy. He crossed the barrier of age. He would have young and old alike laughing.  Young and old alike were always welcome in his house. Young and old alike were equally important. He was an example of such positivity that my spirits were always lifted being around him or just talking to him. He touched me. He touched my family. He touched so many. One sympathy card's author somehow envisaged that John would live forever. Such was the man John.

There has been a void in my life since John's passing. Yes, thankfully, my husband, cut from the same cloth, has these same superb qualities whose glass half-full mentality is a pleasure to see and be inspired by. Although missing John very much, I can say that I am lucky to be with his son.

Rest in Peace.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

MEDITATION

I have never taken to meditation.

I am not very good at it either.

I have never been able to still the chattering monkeys in my mind.

Chatter. Chatter. Chatter.

Off and on throughout my life, I have experienced meditation of one form or another, once I stopped viewing it as religious practice. Even then, I never made it a habit.

Visualizing a scene in my mind's eye of any place beautiful and serene, silences the mind. But I can only keep this peacefulness for a few minutes at best.

Staring at Soluntra King's circle within circles, a mandala of symmetrical shapes and vibrant colours, is not only beautiful but manageable.

A technique to still the mind that I have used before going to bed was one I read about in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Simply you have a vision of a sport's arena clock in your mind and count down with it from 24 to 0 without an interruption of thought or you start the count over. This method helped me until of course my anxiety set in - the mind just could not be still long enough.

I have done various forms of progressive muscle relaxation on their own or as part of a winding down meditation at the end of a yoga class. Although, not in itself a form of meditation, this tensing and relaxing of the muscles, in combination with visualization and focus, can form a meditative practice.

Meditation I have learned can be simple or complex.

Simple as focusing on one word: "One." "Om." "Peace."

Simple as focusing on a positive affirmation or phrase repeated over and over again.

Simple as gazing upon a candle flame or an image.

Simple as being aware of your breath going in a-n-d out.

I have just recently found how complex meditation can be. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) has an 8 week programme during which you are taught various forms of meditation, all which take 30 minutes for each session. The first meditation I learned was the Body Scan - where you scan each part of your body from the toes to the top of the head. The purpose is to be in the present. Accept without judging. I have tried this technique daily for two weeks now and I tell you, it has not become easier to do with time. The mind simply wanders. Here. There. Everywhere.

What I have learned in my third week is that the point of meditation is not to have a blank slate. It is also not to get rid of all thoughts and sounds in your environment. If what Andy Puddicombe shares, in his entertaining video, is in fact the case: that our minds are actually lost in thought 47% of the time, then, in all this complexity, simply put, the point of meditation is just a way of being. Being in the here and in the now, thoughts and all. Therefore as Jon Kabat-Zinn comments, meditation can be any state in which we " come to our senses." Deepak Chopra explains the aim of meditation, which is a "state of restful alertness," as finding the "space between our thoughts...[which is] pure consciousness, pure silence, and pure peace." With this notion, I feel that I can now get better at meditation and achieve "zen."

Besides all the good that meditation does for the Mind in calming it and staying in the moment, meditation has also been known to be good for the Body, in reducing heart attacks and strokes as well as relieving pain, and also good for the Brain, where David R. Hamilton Ph.D., states that "our gray matter is ever-changing...when we concentrate, as we do when we meditate."

For healing, I now meditate daily anywhere from a brief  5 minutes to a lengthy 30 minutes.

A panacea for me, especially for anxiety.

M-e-d-i-t-a-t-i-o-n!

Published By:  Valdone's Leaf

SLEEP

Don't under estimate the power of sleep.

In babies, sleep is essential for brain development.

In teens, more sleep is required than for a child or an adult, for proper growth.

We all need sleep for good health.

Sleep is restorative. We all know this. What we might not know is that according to Belle Beth Cooper from Buffer and reposted on Power of Positivity, sleep is important for our happiness.

Valdone needs and generally gets 8 hours for a sound sleep. Until, of course, last year. Then, my sleep problems began. I was lucky if I slept for 3 hours per night. I had my days work free so I could catch-up on missed sleep by having an afternoon nap. Even so, I found it difficult to function on such little sleep. I was always tired. I was always wanting to sleep. Everything looked darker. I was not happy. Everything was such a chore - in the too hard basket.

Eliminating caffeine was my first step. When this did not yield more sleep, I tried sleep aids which only kept me drugged for the entirety of the next day. When my anxiety set in this year, my insomnia could not even be helped with daytime naps. No sleep would come to me, as sleep deprived as I was. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for the evening, one that would make me sleep. But this also did not have the desired effect. It zombified me throughout the next day when taken at bedtime.

Months later, my sleep patterns were not ideal. But nor were they as bad as they were. Most nights I slept for  5-6 hours but once I awakened in the middle of the night, sleep remained elusive. I can say, that some nights I actually slept for 7 - 8 hours. These nights came along every so often. As if my body took pity on me and allowed me a rare treat of extra sleep. But all in all, this sleep pattern was certainly much better than the 3-5 hours I was getting before Christmas. A small step.

Clock watching does not help but I do check the time to see how long I have slept. After which, I try to concentrate on my breath going in and out. I rest and doze but no real sleep comes.

Establishing a bedtime routine is foreign for me but I have even tried this. Even getting out of bed when I awaken and sitting in the dark until I become sleepy. I found that I never got sleepy and so I stopped getting out of my warm and cosy bed.

It could also be that I am no longer young. My menopausal years could also be affecting my sleep. I needed to take this fact into consideration. Goodbye sleep.

It has been particularly difficult to heal when I awake simply exhausted. I am far more anxious and irritable on little sleep. Eventually, I incorporated exercise classes and routines to activate my mind in hopes of improving my sleep patterns which I was beginning to think were due to boredom.

With all my new activities, my therapies of one kind or another, my inspirational and healing reading I must have traversed the magical six weeks when things started falling into place. My psychologist mentioned this six week passage one visit. True, when I looked back to when I started making these changes, it was indeed around about that time of six weeks.

Now I generally sleep 7 hours per night. And occasionally even 8 hours. It is amazing how reenergized I feel in the morning after such nights. There are still nights though when I awaken too early for me to want to start my day (around 5 a.m.) but now my body must have settled as I can sometimes fall back asleep again. Another small step.

So instead of obsessing too much about how much sleep I should (oops! no shoulds) I do or do not get, whether or not my day will be a "good" or "bad" day, I awake to gratitude and my positive affirmations and am less judgmental. Positive self-talk like: "I feel great!" coupled with a smile is my start to every day.

I certainly don't under estimate the power of sleep.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

ANXIETY 2

Here follows the promised second instalment on Anxiety...

There are copious blogs on Anxiety. Some that I have checked out are:

Anxiety Guru - as our brain controls everything, we need to deal with our thoughts first.

"I Am Living With Anxiety" - Doug comments that: "Feelings and sensations cannot be controlled, but thoughts and impulses can be."

Home Life Simplified - offers advice on living authentically.

There are just as many sites:

www.beyondblue.org.au

www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/anxiety

www.psychology.org.au

I am an information magnet. I need to know the ins and outs of anything but of ailments in particular. The more informed about, in this case, what anxiety is, how it works and its symptoms, the more I could understand it and actually manage it.

Easier said than done, of course.

Calm Clinic and other sites like those above, retaught me that when we experience a fight of flight response, chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol are released. This release causes our bodies to change involuntarily. Our breathing quickens. Our heart pumps faster. Our bodies prepare to fight by tensing muscles. Our awareness is heightened. All this was once necessary to fight the saber tooth tiger. Our reptilian and mammalian brains took charge.

Today our stresses are not life-threatening. Yet, our bodies react in the same way. Add in our vicious thought patterns to this stressful mix and we have anxiety. I learned that I was stuck in this survival mode. Stress can deplete our neurotransmitter levels, the one class of neurotransmitter that actually keeps the brain tranquil. So instead of needing to "fight" I needed to learn the importance of calming myself.
I needed to deal with the thoughts immediately. I did so by replacing the thoughts of doom and gloom with coping statements. Statements such as:
"This won't last forever."
"I got over this before, so I can do it now."
"I can do this."
After managing my thoughts I could add in affirmations and learn to relax and stay calm through:
* Deep breathing
* Yoga or Tai Chi
* A brisk walk around the block
* Meditation
* Focusing on a positive word or phrase
* Progressive muscle relaxation
If anxiety is in fact a learned response, as I read, something that has become a habit, then by rights, it can be unlearned.
There is hope yet.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf

TAKE CONTROL

'Tis all a Chequer-board of Nights and Days

Where Destiny with Men for Pieces plays:

Hither and thither moves, and mates, and slays,

And one by one back in the Closet lays.

The theme of Edward Fizgerald's Quatrain from "The Rubaiyat" is that destiny plays with our lives, moving us here and there on the board of life. We have no control over our lives and if this is the case, then live for today. Carpe Diem.

Florence Scovel-Shinn wrote a book entitled "The Game of Life and How to Play It" in her 1925 classic guide. She tells that the game is one of giving and receiving. Unlike "The Rubaiyat", Scovel-Shinn maintains that the life we live is of our making. We can change our circumstances by what we impress on our subconscious mind. Our thoughts do make a difference. So right upon waking, affirm life with positive words as in an example that Scovel-Shinn gives:

"Thy will be done this day! Today is a day of completion; I give thanks for this perfect day, miracle shall follow miracle and wonders shall never cease."

I have felt the hands of fate play on my board of life a few times. Now I am learning to be in control of my own life by the thoughts that I allow in my mind. I use my coping statements and affirmations daily. I still need a frequent nudge to keep my words as uplifting as my thoughts. But all in all, I am moving in the right direction and much prefer to take control rather than to be controlled.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

SIXTY

Turning 60.

I wonder if half of my mental issues aren't the fault of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I have been fretting turning this hallmark number since the second half of the last decade. The saying comes to mind: "You are only as old as you feel." And I hate to say it, but at this very moment in my life, I feel it.

The last year and a half have been tough. Exhausting. It is no excuse. It is difficult to live spritely when I feel like I have the weight of Atlas on my shoulders. Stress of one kind. Stress of another kind. Stresses weighing me down. Difficult to smile. Difficult to be happy. Easy to worry. Easy to scowl. Easy to feel old.

It was in the midst of all this that my 60th year crept in. A year of grieving over.  Already I felt emotionally spent. Add to this, my new-found anxiety. I did not think that I could scrape up any excitement for the day. But, as our own birthdays go, with the focus on "me", the magic was worked. It was a special day. Special presents. A special celebration at Pony - so appropriate for the Year of the Horse. My family surrounding me. I eased into the big number 60 with grace. Family has a way of making me feel special.

Now, after the day, I feel as I did before the day. Yes , I am 60, but I don't feel any different really. Oh, yes, now I could apply for a Seniors and Go Card. Ouch! That makes you feel the big 60! When I received my card in the mail, I wondered why I only got the Seniors Card and not my Queensland Transport card. It wasn't until I turned the card over, that there it was. The Go Card on the reverse. Yup! 60. Now an age when two cards become fused into one with two different faces. What? In case I lose one? This brought a smile to my face. In fact, my daughter and I had a deep bellied laugh over this.

I just need to find more of these instances of humour to carry me through.

Sixty.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

DANCE

 

I danced all my life. I belonged to a Lithuanian folk dance group in Canada where I grew up. I commenced from a very young age and danced through my teens and twirled  into young adulthood when we travelled around three corners of the globe (if a globe can have corners). Eventually, I began teaching folk dance in Canada and then later in Australia when I moved.

But since my daughters were born, I have not danced. Only vicariously through my girls' folk dancing (which lasted a blink of an eye) ballet, jazz and tap. They, unlike me, in their teens replaced these rhythmical pursuits with team sports.

Upon our return from living in Croatia, as I recorded in an earlier blog, I found Zumba. Together with my grown up daughters, we Zumba'ed for the term of our gym membership. After which I stopped due to injuries of one kind or another and nothing for over a year and a half.

Then I CRASHED. Grief hit me. Depression enveloped me. Anxiety startled me.

It took me a while to realize that I needed to do those things I once loved - namely dance.

Enter Nia.

                                               Discover Nia - ONE practice that offers:
                                               the joy of dance, the flexibility of yoga,
                                               the mindfulness of meditation, the power of martial arts
                                               the core strength of pilates, and more. Nia Australia

I found a different brand of movement to music. It was a gentle way to begin. But not gentle enough to stop the confusion. My feet and hands could not do simultaneous movements. I was uncoordinated to say the least ( a feeling I last felt after the birth of my first daughter when I joined a fitness class for new moms and my hands and feet went every which way but the way they should!).At the end of the class, I asked the teacher why this was so and she mentioned this by now not so revolutionary neuroplasticity of the brain. With practice, my brain would form new neural pathways and it would be easier to coordinate (not to mention healthy for the brain, too!).

Some months after Nia, I reintroduced Zumba.

Was I doing something wrong?

First lesson: no sweating.

Second lesson: no sweating.

What was wrong here? I needed to get out of my head and into my body, my psychologist said. But my body was flopping at this work out. Thinking that perhaps a Zumba class for beginners and Seniors was not exerting enough, I decided to give it another go before joining a full-on class. This time I did build up a sweat. And the next time, too. Maybe after focusing on the instructress' moves for two weeks, I learned something and was now able to dance at least half the class without concern of what the moves were. And, whether or not Perfectionist Valdone needed to get it perfectly right.

So even Zumba is helping to keep my brain in shape as I am finding out reading "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge.

The joy of dance is slowly beginning to fill my body again.

Dance keeps me out of my head for a time.

Dance.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

ANXIETY 1

I have anxiety.

There! I admitted it.

It has taken some courage to not only admit this aloud but to write it.

I am a baby boomer therefore born of the generation where a stigma was attached to mental illness. (Well, at least in my circles.) You just didn't talk about these things decades ago.

When I suffered from depression back then, it was my dis-ease. Not one to share with the extended family, friends or colleagues. I could say that I was ashamed and needed to keep it a secret.

Decades later, I still have not accepted ownership. This time for anxiety. I am struggling with it in the 21st century. I fight to take my daily meds. I did not want this illness and to be a slave to medication. My husband, bless his soul, used to allay my fears and comfort me by saying that if I were a diabetic I would need to take my insulin shots daily. Or if I were an asthmatic, a daily puff of Ventolin would be a requirement. Yet I could never see mental illness as "real". I saw it as a weakness. And for a weakness I shouldn't have to take medication. Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my cure by daily struggling with these thoughts?

How different my daughters' y gen is! They are young and freely talk about things. Perhaps it is because Social Media has made their lives public for friends to see. I envy them their honesty. So I decided to try it.

This is my fourth Blog entry and when I drafted my entry on Anxiety, it was written in the third person. I wavered. Do I? Don't I want to associate myself with anxiety?

I succumbed to my changing personality and rewrote it in the first person, owned it, and shelved it for another time and proceeded to write this preamble.

Anxiety made itself an unwelcomed guest just this year. It followed a year of grief and life changes: both daughters moved out in that year. One to live on her own, one to get married. The empty nest was too difficult to handle in this year of loss. Then there was our new business. (What? at this time of our lives?!)

Now -  2014. The Year of the Horse. My year. And it became the Year of Anxiety. The Year of Turning 60. The Year of Moving House. Too many stresses. I was reeling. The feelings were all to overwhelming to say the least. It was as if I became an invalid. Work and daily chores were impossible. It was a struggle to just get through one day managing myself let alone anything or anyone else.

Five months on, I still have anxiety but I am learning to handle it. Some days better than others.

Anxiety.

There. It is done! I shared my story.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

AFFIRMATIONS

Months were spent daily conditioning my thoughts with memorized sayings by Norman Vincent Peale like:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding."

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

Also reciting them almost non-stop on my bad days.

I found that I was not really thinking more positively. Nor was I really believing these statements. I kept saying them regardless and was hoping, I guess, that through repetition, they would somehow infiltrate my mind. As if through osmosis.

I later added to these affirmations.

My psychologist gave me a simple: "I love my life!" to say daily and especially while out on my walks. Here I was to touch each finger with my thumb (a word per finger) to add tactile reinforcement.

I revisited Louise Hay and downloaded her Hay House Facebook page where daily I could read her visually appealing affirmations. Written in plain English, they were easier to digest.


Here is today's affirmation:

I could never comprehend affirmations. A healthy mind has had no need for them. You are already living affirmatively. It is once the mind weakens and negative thoughts make a home there, that I started to understand and really appreciate how words could act as a soothing balm for the mind.

Affirmations.

A good day or a bad day, affirmations are part of my daily routine.

Being religious, Norman Vincent Peale's have power over me. The other positive statements are interspersed throughout for variety and simplicity.

I need to keep working at being more positive, but the affirmations help me keep the negative thoughts at bay.

I finally get the function of affirmations.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

NEGATIVITY

Negativity.
Which are you?
A glass half-full person?
Or
A glass half-empty person?
I am mostly the latter. From as far back as I can remember. Although, negativity hasn't always been an unsurmountable problem for me. But for twice in my life: Croatia and now.

Our seven years in Croatia shaped me thus. As spectacularly beautiful as the boomerang-hugging-the-sea country is, and, how genuinely accommodating most of her people are, nonetheless negativity erupted from me during the end of these years.
My husband and I and our two daughters moved to post-war Croatia to run our newly built Resort. An early retirement of sorts. Within a year, the Resort was taken from us. As strangers in a strange land, we were left behind square one, trying to fend for ourselves and to make a living, while we literally fought to win back our Resort until the GFC hit.
Our years were fraught with negative experiences which swallowed up the good experiences.
For details of this struggle in negativity, you may wish to check out the following link:
http://books.google.com.au/books/about/What_More_Can_I_Say_Plenty.html?id=P3O8P-FfbDkC&redir_esc=y

Now.
Initially, upon our return, resentment set in.
I resented having to leave Croatia, even though it was our choice.
I resented having to pick up teaching once more, even though I once loved it.
I resented the labours in starting anew, even though it was a challenge.

Four years on, negativity has reared its ugly head in a big way. Resentment has given way to negativity for life in general.
Daily, my husband suggests, (and so I ask: Why pay for therapy?):

• a different way of looking at things
• a different, more positive thought to replace the old wearying one
• a different statement to voice aloud that is less negative

It is a steep learning curve for me. The glass half-full mindset does not seem to sit comfortably, yet. I am trying.
Negativity. Begone!

Published by: Valdone's Leaf

SQUARE ONE

Square One is the normal place to begin on a Snakes and Ladders board game and other such games.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/back%20to%20square%20one.html
It is also the normal place to begin one's climb in a career.
Today it is common to flit from one career into the next and building on your resume.
But I come from the old school of thought where I trained for one profession and expected to stay in said profession until retirement.
I did for some time, starting my teaching in Canada, then in Australia, then back to Canada when my family and I returned to my homeland, and yes, again back in Australia. All the while hopscotching around the squares and always coming back to Square One.
Soon followed our global transition to Eastern Europe where we stayed for seven years both doing something different: initially, running our resort and after its loss, our business. My husband opened up an International Real Estate and Developing company at which we both worked until the GFC hit the world.
Now, four years, two months and eight days later we are both back in Australia and back to Square One.
After what we thought was our retirement from our careers, we returned to them once again. I returned to teaching and my husband to Real Estate. There has never been a more difficult return to the beginning. This time being back to Square One found us both older and less patient and not as amenable to change.
Square One. Not handling it with grace and aplomb.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
June 9,2014