HEALING 1

My healing from anxiety took many forms.

At my lowest I tried anything. Everything. That is, whatever I was ready for at each given moment.

At first, I was surfing the Internet to find calming foods. There had to be foods that would give an instant feeling of calm? Right? After all there are foods that exacerbate the problem. Like coffee (or other forms of caffeine) which agitated me more than I was already. As much as I dislike Chamomile tea, every site spoke of its calming benefits. That became my drink of choice. The more anxious I was, the more Chamomile I downed.

Well it was during this researching that I came upon the site Calm Clinic. Reading what they had to say about diet, I was captured by and tempted by the blue print: "Take our 7 minute anxiety quiz." I was desperate. I needed a quick fix now! I wanted my anxiety to be over like yesterday. I no longer wanted neither the butterflies nor the panic attacks. I would have made a willing guinea pig for any sale's pitch, any experiment. So, yup! I caved. I clicked the blue print and did the test scoring a significantly high anxiety level. No surprise there. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I signed up for (and paid for it too!) a 4 week program: New Life With Cool, Calm and Collected.

The promise: you will be fully recovered if you ENGAGE in the program, TAKE the methods, DO the exercises, USE what you're going to learn. If you do all this, and I am always an eager student, "your panic attacks will VANISH, your anxiety and worry STOP and your confidence and self-esteem SOAR."

 I was sold! How could I not be pleased that this program would do this for me.

After 4 weeks nothing sunk in. Nothing. My mind was not ready, nor did it know how to register what I was learning. Actually, I was not learning. I simply listened, read and wrote. I wondered why following the program in its entirety, nothing changed. My anxiety still plagued me. Even more so. I kept resisting and the more I resisted, the deeper my anxiety went.

The caveat to this program, for me at any rate: you have to be ready. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Intellectually. Clearly nothing was working because NOTHING was working.

Healing.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

WORDS I SAY

The principle of "neurons that fire together wire together" proposed by Freud, Hebb and Shatz has been the revolutionary brain science of the twentieth century. Also, the main teaching of my psychologist who was helping me overcome anxiety.

Being set some homework in between sessions about my especially anxious moments, I was to fill out a chart about what happened and the story I told myself. Upon retelling one scenario, I used the words: "I forced myself to go!" Said almost angrily. She picked up on this. Thus ensued my new lesson: when we pair a negative thought (in this case, word) with a highly charged negative emotion we make a neural pathway. What fires together, wires together.

Yes I just finished reading about this in The Brain That Changes Itself, but I could not connect the dots. I understood the concept with respect to science but clearly not when applied to my own life.

Now, I am more mindful of not only my thoughts but the words I say so emotively in my narratives and conversations. The words are more difficult as most of the time, I swear I speak as on automatic pilot. To fill the silence. Perchance why my daily affirmations have not been as effective as they could be?? I have enlisted the help of my husband to say something to me when I am pairing two negatives, as I am obviously unaware of doing so. The aim is to pair a positive thought or a positive word with a positive emotion. My affirmations now are accompanied by a smile.

The words I say.

"Man's word is his wand filled with magic and power." As penned by Florence Scovel Shinn.

The words I say.

"The words you speak become the house you live in." Hafiz

The words I say.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

THOUGHTS I THINK

As my brain broke out of the worry loop of anxiety, I engaged in much reading. The common theme of all the books happened to be: the thoughts we think.

When I paused to examine my conscience (sounds like being in a confessional), my thoughts were negative. You can refer to my Blog on Negativity.  Unlike Rodin's The Thinker  who is poised in philosophical thought,

 

I was unbalanced in my thinking. Not only were my thoughts negative, they were defeatist. My thoughts were berating. My thoughts were sombre.

In Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, she writes "...as you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you."


Florence Scovel Shinn in The Game Of Life says that this said game "is a game of boomerangs. Man's thoughts, deeds and words return to him sooner or later, with astounding accuracy."

"Your mind is a tool you can choose to use any way you wish." Louise Hay shared this in her book You Can Heal Your Life.

I gleaned so many such golden nuggets. It wasn't until I recently read Evolve Your Brain and the science behind our thoughts, that I took mindful notice of how thoughts create who we are. Dr. Dispenza writes:

"Whether we like it or not, once a thought happens in the brain...All of the bodily reactions that occur from both our intentional or unintentional thinking unfold behind the scenes of our awareness."

GASP!

A couple of pages later he dropped this loaded statement: "What we repeatedly think about and where we focus our attention is what we neurologically become."

I now understand why I could not break free of my anxiety. Or why the symptoms just would not lessen. I kept feeding my brain more of the same worrisome thoughts day after day. And day after day, my anxiety strengthened. True to what the brain does. Even though my anxiety is not fully gone, on occasion choosing to visit, I know better now. The thoughts I think become me. As James Allen in As a Man Thinketh eloquently states in Chapter Two: "The world is your kaleidoscope, and the varying combinations of colours, which at every succeeding moment it presents to you are exquisitely adjusted pictures of your ever-moving thoughts."

Thoughts I think. I am ever so mindful of them.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

MINDFULNESS

I touched upon the word "mindfulness" in my blog on Meditation. Here I will delve more deeply into what it is and how mindfulness has helped me with my anxiety.

Off and on in my life I dabbled with mindfulness, but never really applied it long-term. The picture of a Buddhist monk absorbed for hours on end in a serene composure of contemplative practice was what came to mind at the mention of mindfulness. When I was much younger than I am today, I used to interchange the words "mindfulness" and "meditation". I mean, after all, isn't this what I am trying to achieve during meditation practice - being mindful or aware of the something that I am doing?

True. But mindfulness is not linked only with meditation or monks. I became much more educated on what mindfulness is and the role it can play in my life once anxiety came to live with me. Strange, how one waits until one really needs help to introduce healing practices into our lives!

As you are aware from an earlier blog, one major symptom of anxiety is the inability to still the thoughts. At my worst, my thoughts were on a loop. Always fretful. Always worrying. And always negative. Going over and over and over in my mind. I would try anything to shut off this incessant prattle. Not only did I re-educate myself on meditation but on mindfulness as well. And this time I learned so much more throwing away my old beliefs of both.

Susan Baeur-Wu puts it simply -- mindfulness is "a way of being."

The Chinese character for the word "mindfulness" is made up of two parts: the upper part meaning "now; this"; the lower meaning "heart; mind."

Jon Kabat-Zinn comments that mindfulness is "coming to our senses."

Shauna Shapiro reiterates a monk's explanation to her, that "mindfulness is not just about paying attention, but also about how you pay attention."

Diana Winston of the UCLA Health System defines mindfulness as: "paying attention to present moment experiences with open curiosity and a willingness to be with what is."

Living life outside a cloister or monastery, all this shed some light on what I could do to be mindful. We have all experienced being out in nature and feeling in awe, totally calm and connected. This is mindfulness. We have all experienced being one with a hobby, activity, sport. This is mindfulness. But, I also learned to incorporate mindful awareness to daily life tasks that do not generally bring me to a moment of being absorbed with total quality. Still, it is not possible for me to be mindful about everything that I do, but daily I seize the moment and engage my senses in at least one activity, be it: walking or eating or showering or ironing or washing dishes. When I do this, I notice that I slow down and am really present appreciating everything and no longer viewing it as mundane or simply a chore to get it over with as quickly as is possible.

When I meditate, I keep endeavouring to be mindful. I welcome my thoughts, react compassionately and gently return to my meditation.

This practice over the last six weeks has stilled the chatter in my mind and when the monkeys come back on difficult days, I am able to manage them. It has been many weeks since I have been stuck in a loop. Being mindful has kept me in the present, escaping the past woes and the future concerns, both which are out of my control.

Mindfulness.

A stress-free place to be.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf