GRIEF

I lost my dearest mother, at a ripe old age of 90, last year right after New Year's Day. I received the dreaded phone call in Australia at 3:00 a.m. Mom had been in a home in Canada for just over 3 years. The decision for a home was heart wrenching but her carers often said that she needed care and watching over 24/7, plus eyes at the back of the head. Mom was a handful indeed. All the English she had learned while in the new country as a migrant, slipped away as the dementia took over. Thus, care in an Anglo-Saxon facility was most difficult with nobody speaking mom's native tongue. My brother visited daily, so Alleluia! there were moments of communication.

Mom's death hurt and still hurts as I no longer have a mother. The fact that the mother who brought my siblings and me into this world is now gone was and is quite overwhelming. An end of a generation.

Mom was steadfast in all areas of her life. Her loyalty and honesty, although brutal at times, were her strengths. Mom was a firm disciplinarian, a wonderful cook, a tireless housekeeper, a creative seamstress, an adept gardener, a devout Catholic. I knew all these facets of Mom and give credit to her for all that I am. I miss mom. I spare a thought and a prayer for all those who have lost their mothers at an early age...

May 1st during the early hours of the morning, our Maltese Lachy of 15 years 7 months of age died in his sleep. He had been ailing with the commencement of his seizures for about six months. Yet, he was still a happy dog bounding around and enjoying his "walkies!" During one of his last seizures, Lachy strained a muscle in his hind leg and started hobbling. The vet gave him some painkillers but after 2 weeks on these, Lachy refused to eat. A visit to the vet yielded bad news. We needed to have our dear Lachy put down the next day.

We gathered our daughters that evening so we could all spend our last precious moments with Lachy, cuddling and holding him in turn. It was time for Lachy to go. We could see how laboured his breathing was throughout the day. I believe that Lachy knew that he was surrounded by his loved ones and so chose, instead of a clinical death, to pass away gently during the night in the comfort of his own bed.

It has now been one year and three and a half months since Lachy has been out of our lives and he still brings a tear to my eyes. My first dog ever as a pet and prior to Lachy, if anybody would have ever told me how much a part of my life he would become, I would never have believed it. I do now know the impact a pet's pure loyalty can have on my life. The life of the rest of my family. The life of our cat, 18 years, who wandered the place looking for her pal until we moved this year...

Two weeks following Lachy's death, my father-in-law died suddenly, unexpectedly. At the age of 80, John was the happiest, funniest and fittest man I have known.

He had what he thought was the flu. When the aches did not go in two weeks, he was admitted to emergency. Here a battery of tests revealed an aggressive cancer in the liver. He was given 3-5 weeks to live. Within 5 days he was gone. John too went peacefully but his passing has left us all reeling.

John always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, the right energy to pass along to everyone. John didn't just save this side for his family. Shop keepers, neighbours and his employees of earlier years, all had the joy of knowing this John. A man whose sole purpose was to make others happy. He crossed the barrier of age. He would have young and old alike laughing.  Young and old alike were always welcome in his house. Young and old alike were equally important. He was an example of such positivity that my spirits were always lifted being around him or just talking to him. He touched me. He touched my family. He touched so many. One sympathy card's author somehow envisaged that John would live forever. Such was the man John.

There has been a void in my life since John's passing. Yes, thankfully, my husband, cut from the same cloth, has these same superb qualities whose glass half-full mentality is a pleasure to see and be inspired by. Although missing John very much, I can say that I am lucky to be with his son.

Rest in Peace.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

MEDITATION

I have never taken to meditation.

I am not very good at it either.

I have never been able to still the chattering monkeys in my mind.

Chatter. Chatter. Chatter.

Off and on throughout my life, I have experienced meditation of one form or another, once I stopped viewing it as religious practice. Even then, I never made it a habit.

Visualizing a scene in my mind's eye of any place beautiful and serene, silences the mind. But I can only keep this peacefulness for a few minutes at best.

Staring at Soluntra King's circle within circles, a mandala of symmetrical shapes and vibrant colours, is not only beautiful but manageable.

A technique to still the mind that I have used before going to bed was one I read about in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Simply you have a vision of a sport's arena clock in your mind and count down with it from 24 to 0 without an interruption of thought or you start the count over. This method helped me until of course my anxiety set in - the mind just could not be still long enough.

I have done various forms of progressive muscle relaxation on their own or as part of a winding down meditation at the end of a yoga class. Although, not in itself a form of meditation, this tensing and relaxing of the muscles, in combination with visualization and focus, can form a meditative practice.

Meditation I have learned can be simple or complex.

Simple as focusing on one word: "One." "Om." "Peace."

Simple as focusing on a positive affirmation or phrase repeated over and over again.

Simple as gazing upon a candle flame or an image.

Simple as being aware of your breath going in a-n-d out.

I have just recently found how complex meditation can be. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) has an 8 week programme during which you are taught various forms of meditation, all which take 30 minutes for each session. The first meditation I learned was the Body Scan - where you scan each part of your body from the toes to the top of the head. The purpose is to be in the present. Accept without judging. I have tried this technique daily for two weeks now and I tell you, it has not become easier to do with time. The mind simply wanders. Here. There. Everywhere.

What I have learned in my third week is that the point of meditation is not to have a blank slate. It is also not to get rid of all thoughts and sounds in your environment. If what Andy Puddicombe shares, in his entertaining video, is in fact the case: that our minds are actually lost in thought 47% of the time, then, in all this complexity, simply put, the point of meditation is just a way of being. Being in the here and in the now, thoughts and all. Therefore as Jon Kabat-Zinn comments, meditation can be any state in which we " come to our senses." Deepak Chopra explains the aim of meditation, which is a "state of restful alertness," as finding the "space between our thoughts...[which is] pure consciousness, pure silence, and pure peace." With this notion, I feel that I can now get better at meditation and achieve "zen."

Besides all the good that meditation does for the Mind in calming it and staying in the moment, meditation has also been known to be good for the Body, in reducing heart attacks and strokes as well as relieving pain, and also good for the Brain, where David R. Hamilton Ph.D., states that "our gray matter is ever-changing...when we concentrate, as we do when we meditate."

For healing, I now meditate daily anywhere from a brief  5 minutes to a lengthy 30 minutes.

A panacea for me, especially for anxiety.

M-e-d-i-t-a-t-i-o-n!

Published By:  Valdone's Leaf

SLEEP

Don't under estimate the power of sleep.

In babies, sleep is essential for brain development.

In teens, more sleep is required than for a child or an adult, for proper growth.

We all need sleep for good health.

Sleep is restorative. We all know this. What we might not know is that according to Belle Beth Cooper from Buffer and reposted on Power of Positivity, sleep is important for our happiness.

Valdone needs and generally gets 8 hours for a sound sleep. Until, of course, last year. Then, my sleep problems began. I was lucky if I slept for 3 hours per night. I had my days work free so I could catch-up on missed sleep by having an afternoon nap. Even so, I found it difficult to function on such little sleep. I was always tired. I was always wanting to sleep. Everything looked darker. I was not happy. Everything was such a chore - in the too hard basket.

Eliminating caffeine was my first step. When this did not yield more sleep, I tried sleep aids which only kept me drugged for the entirety of the next day. When my anxiety set in this year, my insomnia could not even be helped with daytime naps. No sleep would come to me, as sleep deprived as I was. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for the evening, one that would make me sleep. But this also did not have the desired effect. It zombified me throughout the next day when taken at bedtime.

Months later, my sleep patterns were not ideal. But nor were they as bad as they were. Most nights I slept for  5-6 hours but once I awakened in the middle of the night, sleep remained elusive. I can say, that some nights I actually slept for 7 - 8 hours. These nights came along every so often. As if my body took pity on me and allowed me a rare treat of extra sleep. But all in all, this sleep pattern was certainly much better than the 3-5 hours I was getting before Christmas. A small step.

Clock watching does not help but I do check the time to see how long I have slept. After which, I try to concentrate on my breath going in and out. I rest and doze but no real sleep comes.

Establishing a bedtime routine is foreign for me but I have even tried this. Even getting out of bed when I awaken and sitting in the dark until I become sleepy. I found that I never got sleepy and so I stopped getting out of my warm and cosy bed.

It could also be that I am no longer young. My menopausal years could also be affecting my sleep. I needed to take this fact into consideration. Goodbye sleep.

It has been particularly difficult to heal when I awake simply exhausted. I am far more anxious and irritable on little sleep. Eventually, I incorporated exercise classes and routines to activate my mind in hopes of improving my sleep patterns which I was beginning to think were due to boredom.

With all my new activities, my therapies of one kind or another, my inspirational and healing reading I must have traversed the magical six weeks when things started falling into place. My psychologist mentioned this six week passage one visit. True, when I looked back to when I started making these changes, it was indeed around about that time of six weeks.

Now I generally sleep 7 hours per night. And occasionally even 8 hours. It is amazing how reenergized I feel in the morning after such nights. There are still nights though when I awaken too early for me to want to start my day (around 5 a.m.) but now my body must have settled as I can sometimes fall back asleep again. Another small step.

So instead of obsessing too much about how much sleep I should (oops! no shoulds) I do or do not get, whether or not my day will be a "good" or "bad" day, I awake to gratitude and my positive affirmations and am less judgmental. Positive self-talk like: "I feel great!" coupled with a smile is my start to every day.

I certainly don't under estimate the power of sleep.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

ANXIETY 2

Here follows the promised second instalment on Anxiety...

There are copious blogs on Anxiety. Some that I have checked out are:

Anxiety Guru - as our brain controls everything, we need to deal with our thoughts first.

"I Am Living With Anxiety" - Doug comments that: "Feelings and sensations cannot be controlled, but thoughts and impulses can be."

Home Life Simplified - offers advice on living authentically.

There are just as many sites:

www.beyondblue.org.au

www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/anxiety

www.psychology.org.au

I am an information magnet. I need to know the ins and outs of anything but of ailments in particular. The more informed about, in this case, what anxiety is, how it works and its symptoms, the more I could understand it and actually manage it.

Easier said than done, of course.

Calm Clinic and other sites like those above, retaught me that when we experience a fight of flight response, chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol are released. This release causes our bodies to change involuntarily. Our breathing quickens. Our heart pumps faster. Our bodies prepare to fight by tensing muscles. Our awareness is heightened. All this was once necessary to fight the saber tooth tiger. Our reptilian and mammalian brains took charge.

Today our stresses are not life-threatening. Yet, our bodies react in the same way. Add in our vicious thought patterns to this stressful mix and we have anxiety. I learned that I was stuck in this survival mode. Stress can deplete our neurotransmitter levels, the one class of neurotransmitter that actually keeps the brain tranquil. So instead of needing to "fight" I needed to learn the importance of calming myself.
I needed to deal with the thoughts immediately. I did so by replacing the thoughts of doom and gloom with coping statements. Statements such as:
"This won't last forever."
"I got over this before, so I can do it now."
"I can do this."
After managing my thoughts I could add in affirmations and learn to relax and stay calm through:
* Deep breathing
* Yoga or Tai Chi
* A brisk walk around the block
* Meditation
* Focusing on a positive word or phrase
* Progressive muscle relaxation
If anxiety is in fact a learned response, as I read, something that has become a habit, then by rights, it can be unlearned.
There is hope yet.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf

TAKE CONTROL

'Tis all a Chequer-board of Nights and Days

Where Destiny with Men for Pieces plays:

Hither and thither moves, and mates, and slays,

And one by one back in the Closet lays.

The theme of Edward Fizgerald's Quatrain from "The Rubaiyat" is that destiny plays with our lives, moving us here and there on the board of life. We have no control over our lives and if this is the case, then live for today. Carpe Diem.

Florence Scovel-Shinn wrote a book entitled "The Game of Life and How to Play It" in her 1925 classic guide. She tells that the game is one of giving and receiving. Unlike "The Rubaiyat", Scovel-Shinn maintains that the life we live is of our making. We can change our circumstances by what we impress on our subconscious mind. Our thoughts do make a difference. So right upon waking, affirm life with positive words as in an example that Scovel-Shinn gives:

"Thy will be done this day! Today is a day of completion; I give thanks for this perfect day, miracle shall follow miracle and wonders shall never cease."

I have felt the hands of fate play on my board of life a few times. Now I am learning to be in control of my own life by the thoughts that I allow in my mind. I use my coping statements and affirmations daily. I still need a frequent nudge to keep my words as uplifting as my thoughts. But all in all, I am moving in the right direction and much prefer to take control rather than to be controlled.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

SIXTY

Turning 60.

I wonder if half of my mental issues aren't the fault of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I have been fretting turning this hallmark number since the second half of the last decade. The saying comes to mind: "You are only as old as you feel." And I hate to say it, but at this very moment in my life, I feel it.

The last year and a half have been tough. Exhausting. It is no excuse. It is difficult to live spritely when I feel like I have the weight of Atlas on my shoulders. Stress of one kind. Stress of another kind. Stresses weighing me down. Difficult to smile. Difficult to be happy. Easy to worry. Easy to scowl. Easy to feel old.

It was in the midst of all this that my 60th year crept in. A year of grieving over.  Already I felt emotionally spent. Add to this, my new-found anxiety. I did not think that I could scrape up any excitement for the day. But, as our own birthdays go, with the focus on "me", the magic was worked. It was a special day. Special presents. A special celebration at Pony - so appropriate for the Year of the Horse. My family surrounding me. I eased into the big number 60 with grace. Family has a way of making me feel special.

Now, after the day, I feel as I did before the day. Yes , I am 60, but I don't feel any different really. Oh, yes, now I could apply for a Seniors and Go Card. Ouch! That makes you feel the big 60! When I received my card in the mail, I wondered why I only got the Seniors Card and not my Queensland Transport card. It wasn't until I turned the card over, that there it was. The Go Card on the reverse. Yup! 60. Now an age when two cards become fused into one with two different faces. What? In case I lose one? This brought a smile to my face. In fact, my daughter and I had a deep bellied laugh over this.

I just need to find more of these instances of humour to carry me through.

Sixty.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

DANCE

 

I danced all my life. I belonged to a Lithuanian folk dance group in Canada where I grew up. I commenced from a very young age and danced through my teens and twirled  into young adulthood when we travelled around three corners of the globe (if a globe can have corners). Eventually, I began teaching folk dance in Canada and then later in Australia when I moved.

But since my daughters were born, I have not danced. Only vicariously through my girls' folk dancing (which lasted a blink of an eye) ballet, jazz and tap. They, unlike me, in their teens replaced these rhythmical pursuits with team sports.

Upon our return from living in Croatia, as I recorded in an earlier blog, I found Zumba. Together with my grown up daughters, we Zumba'ed for the term of our gym membership. After which I stopped due to injuries of one kind or another and nothing for over a year and a half.

Then I CRASHED. Grief hit me. Depression enveloped me. Anxiety startled me.

It took me a while to realize that I needed to do those things I once loved - namely dance.

Enter Nia.

                                               Discover Nia - ONE practice that offers:
                                               the joy of dance, the flexibility of yoga,
                                               the mindfulness of meditation, the power of martial arts
                                               the core strength of pilates, and more. Nia Australia

I found a different brand of movement to music. It was a gentle way to begin. But not gentle enough to stop the confusion. My feet and hands could not do simultaneous movements. I was uncoordinated to say the least ( a feeling I last felt after the birth of my first daughter when I joined a fitness class for new moms and my hands and feet went every which way but the way they should!).At the end of the class, I asked the teacher why this was so and she mentioned this by now not so revolutionary neuroplasticity of the brain. With practice, my brain would form new neural pathways and it would be easier to coordinate (not to mention healthy for the brain, too!).

Some months after Nia, I reintroduced Zumba.

Was I doing something wrong?

First lesson: no sweating.

Second lesson: no sweating.

What was wrong here? I needed to get out of my head and into my body, my psychologist said. But my body was flopping at this work out. Thinking that perhaps a Zumba class for beginners and Seniors was not exerting enough, I decided to give it another go before joining a full-on class. This time I did build up a sweat. And the next time, too. Maybe after focusing on the instructress' moves for two weeks, I learned something and was now able to dance at least half the class without concern of what the moves were. And, whether or not Perfectionist Valdone needed to get it perfectly right.

So even Zumba is helping to keep my brain in shape as I am finding out reading "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge.

The joy of dance is slowly beginning to fill my body again.

Dance keeps me out of my head for a time.

Dance.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf