"SHOULD"

 

Today I am wearing my English teacher's hat providing a brief lesson on "should", originating from the Old English word for "sceolde".

Not seeing anything wrong with my choice of this word, I have been an habitual user of the word "should." "Should" was part of my vocabulary. Until my psychologist, whom I was seeing for anxiety, recommended replacing it.

This got me delving into my grammar books again. Bear with me.

"Should" is the past tense of "shall."

"Should" is one of the modal verbs in the English language. Along with "must," "ought," "might," "could," "would" and others. Modal verbs indicate a modality, a specific mode: giving permission, having the ability to, suggesting an obligation.

"Should" and "ought" hint at a moral obligation, thereby expressing a right or a wrong to your choice/decision.

Yikes!

When I examined my use of "should" more closely, I could see how the latter was so:

I should do this. But what if I really don't want to?
I should do that.  Will this be the correct choice?
I shouldn't do this or that. Because Gee! I might be punished.


For me, clearly, "should" implies guilt. ASIDE: Growing up a Catholic, "Guilt" became my middle name.

It is a word that keeps me in limbo -- you know, that in-between space betwixt heaven and hell. Neither here nor there in a matter of choice, in a decision.

One simple statement along my healing journey, put the onus on my already fragile mind of making a commitment. For example: "I should change my thought patterns." This could imply that if I do change them, then I am doing something right. But, if I don't change them -- I am doing something wrong. It is a statement that teeters. Not one that is built on a solid foundation. I see that now.

In therapy, likewise in positive affirmations, using the present tense is more effective as is a strong, positive and affirming declaration. So, according to my psychologist, instead of saying "I should..." declare "I choose to..." Instead of "I shouldn't...." rather "I choose not to...." This way, I could see that I am not only in control, but I would avoid moralizing providing the subconscious mind with a more empowering and decisive statement.

Now I catch myself and pause when the word "should" escapes from my unthinking mind and I quickly replace it with this more guilt-free option. An option that gives me the power of being, doing and acting.

Should.

Do you?

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

DARK NIGHT

..."when the dark night of sorrow, pain or misfortune

settle down upon your soul...the dark shadow that covers you

is cast by none and nothing but yourself."

I am still coming to grips with what James Allen wrote at the turn of the 20th century and what some modern writers along the journey of discovery espouse. But, why would I do this to myself?

Depression has been described as many things, with some of its metaphors being: the dark night, a dark cloud, the black dog, a tunnel with no end in sight. All these suggest the colours of black, gray and blue. We even use "having the blues" when we are down.

Some adjectives associated with depression which I have come across in my readings are likewise bleak. Feeling miserable, dreadful, melancholic, empty, anti-social, hopeless, numb, worthless, lifeless, tearful, gloomy.

It is not a nice place to be.

During my year of loss, I suffered from major depression. I was as down as down could be. Adding to this, anxiety struck. I felt every one of the bleak feelings above. I lived a dark night for over a year.

 "Dark Night of the Soul" is a spiritual term for one's search for God, taken from a poem of the same title written by Saint John of the Cross, a mystic. As an aside, my favourite depiction of Jesus Christ is a painting by Salvador Dali "Christ of Saint John of the Cross."

"Dark Night" has been used as a metaphor for depression and the way I preferred to describe my own depression. My days were sunless even despite three significant events in my life during this time - our 30th wedding anniversary, my youngest daughter's wedding (at which my brother, whom I had not seen since our mother's funeral, attended) and my 60th birthday. Brooding was my daily demeanour. Tears were constant.

To hide my pain, I learned to put on a forced smile. As much as I avoided company outside my own family, I was put into trying situations where I had to be gracious. Gracious on the exterior; heart breaking within. I even took on the hunched posture of an old woman (as my husband braved to tell me a few weeks back. He prefaced this by saying that now I am walking tall once again. My psychologist at about the same time, commented during one session, on how relaxed I was beginning to look - the clenching of my jaw was released.) These comment stunned me, experiencing first-hand how a dis-ease in the mind could so visibly affect my body.

I am glad that I am no longer in that place - in that dark night. It was a long and arduous journey of therapy, medication, acupuncture, exercise, diet, sleep and mostly positive self-talk. I have been incorporating positive affirmations into my life daily now for seven months and I now understand James Allen's quotation a bit better. I still don't have an answer as to why I would have done this to myself. But, I am clear that I kept myself in my eternal dark night. I was imprisoned and choking myself by my own thoughts - berating, negative, worrisome and fearful thoughts. Morning. Noon. Night. In a loop. Every minute of the waking day. I needed to eradicate these weeds and sow the seeds of uplifting, positive, reassuring and courageous thoughts. Initially, I put these on a loop, just to keep the negative script at bay and to fill me up with thoughts that would allow me to breathe and see the light that life was not so debilitating.

I still work at this daily.

I do not want this dark night to consume me ever again.

I certainly do not want someone to say to me that my woes are "cast by none and nothing but yourself" either!

Begone,  Dark Night!

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

GRIEF

I lost my dearest mother, at a ripe old age of 90, last year right after New Year's Day. I received the dreaded phone call in Australia at 3:00 a.m. Mom had been in a home in Canada for just over 3 years. The decision for a home was heart wrenching but her carers often said that she needed care and watching over 24/7, plus eyes at the back of the head. Mom was a handful indeed. All the English she had learned while in the new country as a migrant, slipped away as the dementia took over. Thus, care in an Anglo-Saxon facility was most difficult with nobody speaking mom's native tongue. My brother visited daily, so Alleluia! there were moments of communication.

Mom's death hurt and still hurts as I no longer have a mother. The fact that the mother who brought my siblings and me into this world is now gone was and is quite overwhelming. An end of a generation.

Mom was steadfast in all areas of her life. Her loyalty and honesty, although brutal at times, were her strengths. Mom was a firm disciplinarian, a wonderful cook, a tireless housekeeper, a creative seamstress, an adept gardener, a devout Catholic. I knew all these facets of Mom and give credit to her for all that I am. I miss mom. I spare a thought and a prayer for all those who have lost their mothers at an early age...

May 1st during the early hours of the morning, our Maltese Lachy of 15 years 7 months of age died in his sleep. He had been ailing with the commencement of his seizures for about six months. Yet, he was still a happy dog bounding around and enjoying his "walkies!" During one of his last seizures, Lachy strained a muscle in his hind leg and started hobbling. The vet gave him some painkillers but after 2 weeks on these, Lachy refused to eat. A visit to the vet yielded bad news. We needed to have our dear Lachy put down the next day.

We gathered our daughters that evening so we could all spend our last precious moments with Lachy, cuddling and holding him in turn. It was time for Lachy to go. We could see how laboured his breathing was throughout the day. I believe that Lachy knew that he was surrounded by his loved ones and so chose, instead of a clinical death, to pass away gently during the night in the comfort of his own bed.

It has now been one year and three and a half months since Lachy has been out of our lives and he still brings a tear to my eyes. My first dog ever as a pet and prior to Lachy, if anybody would have ever told me how much a part of my life he would become, I would never have believed it. I do now know the impact a pet's pure loyalty can have on my life. The life of the rest of my family. The life of our cat, 18 years, who wandered the place looking for her pal until we moved this year...

Two weeks following Lachy's death, my father-in-law died suddenly, unexpectedly. At the age of 80, John was the happiest, funniest and fittest man I have known.

He had what he thought was the flu. When the aches did not go in two weeks, he was admitted to emergency. Here a battery of tests revealed an aggressive cancer in the liver. He was given 3-5 weeks to live. Within 5 days he was gone. John too went peacefully but his passing has left us all reeling.

John always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, the right energy to pass along to everyone. John didn't just save this side for his family. Shop keepers, neighbours and his employees of earlier years, all had the joy of knowing this John. A man whose sole purpose was to make others happy. He crossed the barrier of age. He would have young and old alike laughing.  Young and old alike were always welcome in his house. Young and old alike were equally important. He was an example of such positivity that my spirits were always lifted being around him or just talking to him. He touched me. He touched my family. He touched so many. One sympathy card's author somehow envisaged that John would live forever. Such was the man John.

There has been a void in my life since John's passing. Yes, thankfully, my husband, cut from the same cloth, has these same superb qualities whose glass half-full mentality is a pleasure to see and be inspired by. Although missing John very much, I can say that I am lucky to be with his son.

Rest in Peace.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf

MEDITATION

I have never taken to meditation.

I am not very good at it either.

I have never been able to still the chattering monkeys in my mind.

Chatter. Chatter. Chatter.

Off and on throughout my life, I have experienced meditation of one form or another, once I stopped viewing it as religious practice. Even then, I never made it a habit.

Visualizing a scene in my mind's eye of any place beautiful and serene, silences the mind. But I can only keep this peacefulness for a few minutes at best.

Staring at Soluntra King's circle within circles, a mandala of symmetrical shapes and vibrant colours, is not only beautiful but manageable.

A technique to still the mind that I have used before going to bed was one I read about in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Simply you have a vision of a sport's arena clock in your mind and count down with it from 24 to 0 without an interruption of thought or you start the count over. This method helped me until of course my anxiety set in - the mind just could not be still long enough.

I have done various forms of progressive muscle relaxation on their own or as part of a winding down meditation at the end of a yoga class. Although, not in itself a form of meditation, this tensing and relaxing of the muscles, in combination with visualization and focus, can form a meditative practice.

Meditation I have learned can be simple or complex.

Simple as focusing on one word: "One." "Om." "Peace."

Simple as focusing on a positive affirmation or phrase repeated over and over again.

Simple as gazing upon a candle flame or an image.

Simple as being aware of your breath going in a-n-d out.

I have just recently found how complex meditation can be. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) has an 8 week programme during which you are taught various forms of meditation, all which take 30 minutes for each session. The first meditation I learned was the Body Scan - where you scan each part of your body from the toes to the top of the head. The purpose is to be in the present. Accept without judging. I have tried this technique daily for two weeks now and I tell you, it has not become easier to do with time. The mind simply wanders. Here. There. Everywhere.

What I have learned in my third week is that the point of meditation is not to have a blank slate. It is also not to get rid of all thoughts and sounds in your environment. If what Andy Puddicombe shares, in his entertaining video, is in fact the case: that our minds are actually lost in thought 47% of the time, then, in all this complexity, simply put, the point of meditation is just a way of being. Being in the here and in the now, thoughts and all. Therefore as Jon Kabat-Zinn comments, meditation can be any state in which we " come to our senses." Deepak Chopra explains the aim of meditation, which is a "state of restful alertness," as finding the "space between our thoughts...[which is] pure consciousness, pure silence, and pure peace." With this notion, I feel that I can now get better at meditation and achieve "zen."

Besides all the good that meditation does for the Mind in calming it and staying in the moment, meditation has also been known to be good for the Body, in reducing heart attacks and strokes as well as relieving pain, and also good for the Brain, where David R. Hamilton Ph.D., states that "our gray matter is ever-changing...when we concentrate, as we do when we meditate."

For healing, I now meditate daily anywhere from a brief  5 minutes to a lengthy 30 minutes.

A panacea for me, especially for anxiety.

M-e-d-i-t-a-t-i-o-n!

Published By:  Valdone's Leaf

SLEEP

Don't under estimate the power of sleep.

In babies, sleep is essential for brain development.

In teens, more sleep is required than for a child or an adult, for proper growth.

We all need sleep for good health.

Sleep is restorative. We all know this. What we might not know is that according to Belle Beth Cooper from Buffer and reposted on Power of Positivity, sleep is important for our happiness.

Valdone needs and generally gets 8 hours for a sound sleep. Until, of course, last year. Then, my sleep problems began. I was lucky if I slept for 3 hours per night. I had my days work free so I could catch-up on missed sleep by having an afternoon nap. Even so, I found it difficult to function on such little sleep. I was always tired. I was always wanting to sleep. Everything looked darker. I was not happy. Everything was such a chore - in the too hard basket.

Eliminating caffeine was my first step. When this did not yield more sleep, I tried sleep aids which only kept me drugged for the entirety of the next day. When my anxiety set in this year, my insomnia could not even be helped with daytime naps. No sleep would come to me, as sleep deprived as I was. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for the evening, one that would make me sleep. But this also did not have the desired effect. It zombified me throughout the next day when taken at bedtime.

Months later, my sleep patterns were not ideal. But nor were they as bad as they were. Most nights I slept for  5-6 hours but once I awakened in the middle of the night, sleep remained elusive. I can say, that some nights I actually slept for 7 - 8 hours. These nights came along every so often. As if my body took pity on me and allowed me a rare treat of extra sleep. But all in all, this sleep pattern was certainly much better than the 3-5 hours I was getting before Christmas. A small step.

Clock watching does not help but I do check the time to see how long I have slept. After which, I try to concentrate on my breath going in and out. I rest and doze but no real sleep comes.

Establishing a bedtime routine is foreign for me but I have even tried this. Even getting out of bed when I awaken and sitting in the dark until I become sleepy. I found that I never got sleepy and so I stopped getting out of my warm and cosy bed.

It could also be that I am no longer young. My menopausal years could also be affecting my sleep. I needed to take this fact into consideration. Goodbye sleep.

It has been particularly difficult to heal when I awake simply exhausted. I am far more anxious and irritable on little sleep. Eventually, I incorporated exercise classes and routines to activate my mind in hopes of improving my sleep patterns which I was beginning to think were due to boredom.

With all my new activities, my therapies of one kind or another, my inspirational and healing reading I must have traversed the magical six weeks when things started falling into place. My psychologist mentioned this six week passage one visit. True, when I looked back to when I started making these changes, it was indeed around about that time of six weeks.

Now I generally sleep 7 hours per night. And occasionally even 8 hours. It is amazing how reenergized I feel in the morning after such nights. There are still nights though when I awaken too early for me to want to start my day (around 5 a.m.) but now my body must have settled as I can sometimes fall back asleep again. Another small step.

So instead of obsessing too much about how much sleep I should (oops! no shoulds) I do or do not get, whether or not my day will be a "good" or "bad" day, I awake to gratitude and my positive affirmations and am less judgmental. Positive self-talk like: "I feel great!" coupled with a smile is my start to every day.

I certainly don't under estimate the power of sleep.

Published By: Valdone's Leaf