I have anxiety.
There! I admitted it.
It has taken some courage to not only admit this aloud but to write it.
I am a baby boomer therefore born of the generation where a stigma was attached to mental illness. (Well, at least in my circles.) You just didn't talk about these things decades ago.
When I suffered from depression back then, it was my dis-ease. Not one to share with the extended family, friends or colleagues. I could say that I was ashamed and needed to keep it a secret.
Decades later, I still have not accepted ownership. This time for anxiety. I am struggling with it in the 21st century. I fight to take my daily meds. I did not want this illness and to be a slave to medication. My husband, bless his soul, used to allay my fears and comfort me by saying that if I were a diabetic I would need to take my insulin shots daily. Or if I were an asthmatic, a daily puff of Ventolin would be a requirement. Yet I could never see mental illness as "real". I saw it as a weakness. And for a weakness I shouldn't have to take medication. Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my cure by daily struggling with these thoughts?
How different my daughters' y gen is! They are young and freely talk about things. Perhaps it is because Social Media has made their lives public for friends to see. I envy them their honesty. So I decided to try it.
This is my fourth Blog entry and when I drafted my entry on Anxiety, it was written in the third person. I wavered. Do I? Don't I want to associate myself with anxiety?
I succumbed to my changing personality and rewrote it in the first person, owned it, and shelved it for another time and proceeded to write this preamble.
Anxiety made itself an unwelcomed guest just this year. It followed a year of grief and life changes: both daughters moved out in that year. One to live on her own, one to get married. The empty nest was too difficult to handle in this year of loss. Then there was our new business. (What? at this time of our lives?!)
Now - 2014. The Year of the Horse. My year. And it became the Year of Anxiety. The Year of Turning 60. The Year of Moving House. Too many stresses. I was reeling. The feelings were all to overwhelming to say the least. It was as if I became an invalid. Work and daily chores were impossible. It was a struggle to just get through one day managing myself let alone anything or anyone else.
Five months on, I still have anxiety but I am learning to handle it. Some days better than others.
Anxiety.
There. It is done! I shared my story.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
Sunday, 29 June 2014
Sunday, 22 June 2014
AFFIRMATIONS
Months were spent daily conditioning my thoughts with memorized sayings by Norman Vincent Peale like:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding."
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Also reciting them almost non-stop on my bad days.
I found that I was not really thinking more positively. Nor was I really believing these statements. I kept saying them regardless and was hoping, I guess, that through repetition, they would somehow infiltrate my mind. As if through osmosis.
I later added to these affirmations.
My psychologist gave me a simple: "I love my life!" to say daily and especially while out on my walks. Here I was to touch each finger with my thumb (a word per finger) to add tactile reinforcement.
I revisited Louise Hay and downloaded her Hay House Facebook page where daily I could read her visually appealing affirmations. Written in plain English, they were easier to digest.
Here is today's affirmation:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding."
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Also reciting them almost non-stop on my bad days.
I found that I was not really thinking more positively. Nor was I really believing these statements. I kept saying them regardless and was hoping, I guess, that through repetition, they would somehow infiltrate my mind. As if through osmosis.
I later added to these affirmations.
My psychologist gave me a simple: "I love my life!" to say daily and especially while out on my walks. Here I was to touch each finger with my thumb (a word per finger) to add tactile reinforcement.
I revisited Louise Hay and downloaded her Hay House Facebook page where daily I could read her visually appealing affirmations. Written in plain English, they were easier to digest.
Here is today's affirmation:
I could never comprehend affirmations. A healthy mind has had no need for them. You are already living affirmatively. It is once the mind weakens and negative thoughts make a home there, that I started to understand and really appreciate how words could act as a soothing balm for the mind.
Affirmations.
A good day or a bad day, affirmations are part of my daily routine.
Being religious, Norman Vincent Peale's have power over me. The other positive statements are interspersed throughout for variety and simplicity.
I need to keep working at being more positive, but the affirmations help me keep the negative thoughts at bay.
I finally get the function of affirmations.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
Affirmations.
A good day or a bad day, affirmations are part of my daily routine.
Being religious, Norman Vincent Peale's have power over me. The other positive statements are interspersed throughout for variety and simplicity.
I need to keep working at being more positive, but the affirmations help me keep the negative thoughts at bay.
I finally get the function of affirmations.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
Sunday, 15 June 2014
NEGATIVITY
Negativity.
Which are you?
A glass half-full person?
Or
A glass half-empty person?
I am mostly the latter. From as far back as I can remember. Although, negativity hasn't always been an unsurmountable problem for me. But for twice in my life: Croatia and now.
Our seven years in Croatia shaped me thus. As spectacularly beautiful as the boomerang-hugging-the-sea country is, and, how genuinely accommodating most of her people are, nonetheless negativity erupted from me during the end of these years.
My husband and I and our two daughters moved to post-war Croatia to run our newly built Resort. An early retirement of sorts. Within a year, the Resort was taken from us. As strangers in a strange land, we were left behind square one, trying to fend for ourselves and to make a living, while we literally fought to win back our Resort until the GFC hit.
Our years were fraught with negative experiences which swallowed up the good experiences.
For details of this struggle in negativity, you may wish to check out the following link:
http://books.google.com.au/books/about/What_More_Can_I_Say_Plenty.html?id=P3O8P-FfbDkC&redir_esc=y
Now.
Initially, upon our return, resentment set in.
I resented having to leave Croatia, even though it was our choice.
I resented having to pick up teaching once more, even though I once loved it.
I resented the labours in starting anew, even though it was a challenge.
Four years on, negativity has reared its ugly head in a big way. Resentment has given way to negativity for life in general.
Daily, my husband suggests, (and so I ask: Why pay for therapy?):
Negativity. Begone!
Published by: Valdone's Leaf
Which are you?
A glass half-full person?
Or
A glass half-empty person?
I am mostly the latter. From as far back as I can remember. Although, negativity hasn't always been an unsurmountable problem for me. But for twice in my life: Croatia and now.
Our seven years in Croatia shaped me thus. As spectacularly beautiful as the boomerang-hugging-the-sea country is, and, how genuinely accommodating most of her people are, nonetheless negativity erupted from me during the end of these years.
My husband and I and our two daughters moved to post-war Croatia to run our newly built Resort. An early retirement of sorts. Within a year, the Resort was taken from us. As strangers in a strange land, we were left behind square one, trying to fend for ourselves and to make a living, while we literally fought to win back our Resort until the GFC hit.
Our years were fraught with negative experiences which swallowed up the good experiences.
For details of this struggle in negativity, you may wish to check out the following link:
http://books.google.com.au/books/about/What_More_Can_I_Say_Plenty.html?id=P3O8P-FfbDkC&redir_esc=y
Now.
Initially, upon our return, resentment set in.
I resented having to leave Croatia, even though it was our choice.
I resented having to pick up teaching once more, even though I once loved it.
I resented the labours in starting anew, even though it was a challenge.
Four years on, negativity has reared its ugly head in a big way. Resentment has given way to negativity for life in general.
Daily, my husband suggests, (and so I ask: Why pay for therapy?):
- a different way of looking at things
- a different, more positive thought to replace the old wearying one
- a different statement to voice aloud that is less negative
Negativity. Begone!
Published by: Valdone's Leaf
Sunday, 8 June 2014
SQUARE ONE
Square One is the normal place to begin on a Snakes and Ladders board game and other such games.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/back%20to%20square%20one.html
It is also the normal place to begin one's climb in a career.
Today it is common to flit from one career into the next and building on your resume.
But I come from the old school of thought where I trained for one profession and expected to stay in said profession until retirement.
I did for some time, starting my teaching in Canada, then in Australia, then back to Canada when my family and I returned to my homeland, and yes, again back in Australia. All the while hopscotching around the squares and always coming back to Square One.
Soon followed our global transition to Eastern Europe where we stayed for seven years both doing something different: initially, running our resort and after its loss, our business. My husband opened up an International Real Estate and Developing company at which we both worked until the GFC hit the world.
Now, four years, two months and eight days later we are both back in Australia and back to Square One.
After what we thought was our retirement from our careers, we returned to them once again. I returned to teaching and my husband to Real Estate. There has never been a more difficult return to the beginning. This time being back to Square One found us both older and less patient and not as amenable to change.
Square One. Not handling it with grace and aplomb.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
June 9,2014
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/back%20to%20square%20one.html
It is also the normal place to begin one's climb in a career.
Today it is common to flit from one career into the next and building on your resume.
But I come from the old school of thought where I trained for one profession and expected to stay in said profession until retirement.
I did for some time, starting my teaching in Canada, then in Australia, then back to Canada when my family and I returned to my homeland, and yes, again back in Australia. All the while hopscotching around the squares and always coming back to Square One.
Soon followed our global transition to Eastern Europe where we stayed for seven years both doing something different: initially, running our resort and after its loss, our business. My husband opened up an International Real Estate and Developing company at which we both worked until the GFC hit the world.
Now, four years, two months and eight days later we are both back in Australia and back to Square One.
After what we thought was our retirement from our careers, we returned to them once again. I returned to teaching and my husband to Real Estate. There has never been a more difficult return to the beginning. This time being back to Square One found us both older and less patient and not as amenable to change.
Square One. Not handling it with grace and aplomb.
Published By: Valdone's Leaf
June 9,2014
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